Good evening, dear reader. I hope this evening finds you well. As you probably deduced by the title of this post, I find myself feeling a bit off today. I had thought to find virtue in making a more forceful attempt to return to life as normal, and perhaps it is working to some extent. Maybe I’m just having an off day; I’m still allowed to have those, right?

It’s just that they still seem too frequent, I suppose. When I was in the hospital, and when I first came home, I gave myself permission to feel “off,” so to speak. But I returned home on May 21st, three-and-a-half months ago, and I think that I subconsciously rescinded that permission somewhere along the way. I don’t actually recall doing it, though. Since then, I’ve returned to work, returned to the theatre, kept writing, started teaching again, signed up for an class that should have me thinking quite a bit about some things I find very interesting (it begins on the 16th of this month, so I’ll write more about it soon), reorganized my personal space at home – You remember when I wrote about the desk that Adrianne had purchased for me? I’ve added a small bookshelf with reference materials and filing space next to it, a few external hard drives and a second display for my laptop, and now all I need is a more comfortable chair. It’s really quite delightful; I’ll take some pictures of it soon and show you. – but I still feel out of it sometimes.

OK, more than sometimes. Let’s try often. And it’s mostly when I’m thinking. (I guess I should stop that.) When I’m at work, I’m too busy to focus on things like how I feel, unless I’m in an abnormally large amount of pain, and that lack of focus allows me to accomplish things. At home, it’s somewhat the same. When I can bury myself in a project – be it one of personal interest or just something around the house that needs to be done – I have the opportunity to leave behind the limitations that I feel so often throughout the day.

Like fatigue. I had every intention of taking care of some household chores that needed to be done this afternoon/evening. What happened instead? I made the mistake of sitting down, which lead to lying down, which led to sleep. For several hours. Even though I’d had an afternoon nap not three hours earlier. And I’m still tired. Adrianne has suggested that I start doing yoga again; I think it’s a brilliant suggestion. I just hope that I can convince myself to crawl out of bed a half-hour earlier every morning to start up my regimen again.

But will that allow me to feel less disconnected from everything? I hope so, but I’m honestly not sure. I need to reconnect; I know that. But there’s so much stress, and so little time already, that it will be difficult.

I need to get myself together. I know that. I am allowing myself to drift through my days, and this is a lack of focus that I cannot afford (and I mean that both literally and figuratively). I have too much to do.

So, if anyone knows a good resource for exercises for the moderately disabled, I’m all ears. I really could use some information. I’d like to start jogging again (ok, allow me to rephrase, I’d loathe to start jogging again, but I recognize that it would be very helpful and healthy; there, you happy now?), but I feel the baby steps of walking around the block with my cane a few times would be the better place to start.

I don’t know. I’ll figure something out. While I know that I will never be the person I was before all of this, I have to find a way back to the same vision. If that makes sense. Probably not.

Until next time, dear reader, take care of each other.

The mind selects, enhances and betrays; happenings fade from memory; people forget one another and, in the end, all that remains is the journey of the soul, those rare moments of spiritual revelation. What actually happened isn’t what matters, only the resulting scars and distinguishing marks. – Isabel Allende